God can, even when I can't.

Last night, I had a really hard time falling asleep.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Too much, really.

Overwhelming me. This happens to me a lot.

But this time, it felt different. Still incredibly overwhelming. Making my blood pressure rise. Keeping me from the sleep that I so desperately needed. But I think I know where it was coming from this time. Or, shall I say who. I know who it was coming from.

God.

Not the overwhelming stuff. Just that He was pressing me a little, nudging, urging me to think about these things so differently.

What things? Well, I hope you have a little while, if you're really interested :) It's a lot. Too much. Really, too much.

- My body image, weight, etc. This is one thing that never leaves my thoughts. Well, almost never. I have struggled with this for so long. Yet lately, I find myself sabotaging myself! It's almost like I just don't care anymore....but I care so much. I'm eating like crap, gaining more weight, and just feeling out of control. I know what to do to change this, but I have no will power, no desire, no drive, no motivation.

- My idea of what marriage would be. I was 19 when I got married. I was so young. I was sure that marriage would be a fairy tale, all the time. My expectations were so high. Still are. It's not fair to Nigel or I to set the expectations that high. Especially for daily life. I still expect him to be able to read my mind, I expect him to know what I need right when I need it. I expect so much of him. It's not fair to him, it's not fair to me.

- My expectations of motherhood. Again, I thought this would be like a fairy tale. I thought every day would be happy, full of laughter and play-dough. I didn't realize that there would be tantrums, throw up, arguments, more throw up, melt-downs, and did I mention throw up??? I had such visions, such desires.

- My dreams of what Brock would be and the reality of who he really is. I thought, after having Caden, that any other baby would be a piece of cake. I thought that since Caden was so demanding, the next one would have to be mellow. Woah, wait a minute. Isn't that how it's supposed to go? Nope, nope, nope. There's no written rule, no card you turn in. Nothing that says, ok, I did the hard stuff, give me an easy one now! I've only said this once, to one other person, and it's hard to say...I feel like I almost have to grieve the loss of who and what I thought that Brock would be and accept him for who he is.

- Finances. Need I say more? Seriously. I didn't realize that this would be something that pained me daily.

So, you get the gist of it :) Anyway, not to be such a downer. There is more to this.....

Remember....God....He was nudging me. It started this weekend at church as I sat and listened to the message. Pastor Jason was talking about the story of Jesus feeding the 5000 people (Mark 6). He was talking about how Jesus asked the disciples to bring him the loaves of bread and the fish. Jesus took the small basket of food, prayed over it, handed it back to the disciples and they handed it out to the people and everyone ate and was satisfied. You know the story! Then, after this was over, Jesus had the disciples get in a boat. And, I think you know where I'm going......Jesus walked on water, followed by Peter walking on water.

Ok, what's the point of this, you ask?? Well, the lesson, the message, at church was this: God asks us to do things. Lots of things. Things that make us uncomfortable. Things we don't think we can do. What we need to realize is that God is asking us is that we not tell him what we can't do and instead do what we can and let Him pick up what we can't finish. Does that make sense?

For example.....tithing. Something that is scary and stressful for me. Well, God said this to me at church. "Kristen, don't tell me that you don't have enough money to tithe to me. Tithe what you are supposed to and let me cover where you're falling short." Uh, what? I get it. I totally get it. And yet, I still struggle. God said it right to me. I heard it with my, uh, well, my heart!

This post is so not about tithing. That is my one example that drilled home the message. This post is about the things that God is asking me for. And I keep telling him that I can't, that it won't work, that it's not going to change things. And He is telling me, listen to me, my sweet child. I'm not asking for more than you have. Give me what you have, give me what you can. Let me do with it what I need to do and I will make it work.

I need to stop my obsessive thinking. And as far as the whole "sabotoging myself" goes, I think that I'm doing this out of desperation for control over something. Because ultimately, I don't control my life. God does. But I keep trying to take it from him and if I don't stop soon, it's going to make me crazy!

God, help me give it all up! I don't want it anymore, anyway. It's too much work :) I'd rather let you do the hard stuff and help me see the happiness and joy and amazing-ness that you have planned for me. So, here you go. All of my stuff. It's right here in this post. Take it :)

And last night, when I was having such a hard time sleeping and all of this was running through my head, I realized for the first time that the common denominator in all of this is.....ME! This stuff is all brought about by me. I do it to myself. And I know this. I've KNOWN this. But, I've just been too lazy to change it. I mean, really really lazy. Isn't it sometimes just easier to keep things the way they are, even if they're not great, because you don't have to work for it. You don't really have to try. Well, that's it. I'm done. I'm going to start working. Really hard. It's going to be really hard, too. Challenging, exhausting, frustrating, infuriating. But, amazing.

I will....
-be a better mother to my boys.
-turn the tv off more often.
-love Brock completely unconditionally with no expectations of what I think he should be.
-love my husband for everything that he does for me every single day, because it's more than I deserve.
-eat more fruits and vegetables every day (and less ice cream and candy).
-cut back on my facebook time.
-love Caden for all of his (endless) energy and his silly quirks.
-live the life that I have made for myself and am so lucky to have.

Things can only get better from here. I've realized where I am and I know where I want to go. I'm just going to try and get there without so many expectations.

A moment in Brock's world....

Brock can seem slightly erratic at times. He's not sure about what kind of attitude he wants to be in, so, he changes his attitudes almost constantly. Here's a little look....

Here we are, happily clapping and enjoying our time :)


Then, clapping ends, still happy....

Then, we move onto slightly mouthy. He's putting up a little attitude here. This is the face he makes with a little squealy noise that he makes to say that he's a little annoyed about something.

And finally, we're in meltdown mode. This routine happens several times a day. He just happens to be pretty darn cute, though, so it's ok. At least he usually goes right back to happy :)